anamnesiac

…it is not the cause [of the incident] that pulls me up short and which echoes within me thereupon, but the structure. The entire structure of the relation comes to me as one might pull a tablecloth towards one: its disadvantages, its snares, its impasses… I make no recriminations, develop no suspicions, search for no causes; I see in terror the scope of the situation in which I am caught up.

[roland barthes, a lover's discourse: fragments]

a sense of the whole. of what i have taken on; what i have given up. terrifying. exhilarating.

at night, i have a stronger sense of the risk i am taking. but – i know i keep saying this – there is no going back. i can’t go home. not yet, or not ever.

i don’t know if i really understand what i am saying when i say this. maybe that’s why i keep repeating it.