anamnesiac

dear whoever the hell you are:
do you think this is funny? why have you let this happen? do you think that this was the plan – that i should slowly forget, but not fast enough to forget what it is that i am losing?

this was not how it was supposed to be. you were supposed to keep my eyes on the prize. the way things are going now, i can barely keep my eyes open. yesterday, i tried to get myself going by counting backwards from a hundred by multiples of seven. when i got confused and had to stop, i cried, hugging my knees, rocking on my tailbone. too much effort, i thought. that is where you come in. or used to.

i want to know what happened back then. did we become what we are over time or did we wake up and find ourselves here? did we start out with everything that we have now, or did everything we think we are get created while we weren’t looking? questions like this make me want to scream. everything around me is trying to get my attention – to distract me. but i will not be hypnotized.

i am so pissed at you. if you were here, i would tell you that. among other things. when i make a face like this it means that i am serious.